This winter, I found out that I had breast cancer again.
At first I felt betrayed. Shocked. Angry. I thought and believed I was done. And I was at that point in time. The choices I made were the exact right ones for me then. I followed my gut and listened to my own truth. I stand by them. I had healed from Stage 3 breast cancer in 6 months.
So why?
Part of this is the nature of my type of cancer. Maybe it wasn't ever fully gone. Microscopic cells left behind. I'll never know. And even if I had done everything that was suggested, there is no guarantee I wouldn't have been in this place again. Or worse.
As I write this, I keep hearing the word "timing."
Even so, I felt a deep sense of loss. Things I had to give up to go through this again. Yet there have been tremendous gains. Good comes out of everything. I have come to truly understand there is deeper emotional healing to do. Cancer is still serving a purpose.
In the words of a dear friend:
"All that you learned last go around you can apply now. First and foremost, though is trusting yourself. Trusting there is a greater purpose. Trusting that this is just one more layer of the proverbial onion. Healing is rarely linear, but often a bumpy, messy journey."
I already feel that this time is different. I am not so afraid. My focus is not as intensified on my body. I eat very well, take the supplements, and should rest more (still learning that lesson!) This is a different type of journey. I've been plunged deeper into a fuller awareness of the trauma the body holds energetically and needs to release. In its own timing.
Yes, it's hard. I feel like I have been thrown into the dizzying, tumbling cycle of a dryer. It hurts. But I couldn't have reached this level the first time around. I am stronger now. And more ready. I know I am being transformed and prepared for something even greater. But most importantly, a deeper love and connection to myself and God. I say I have trust, but I am being called to really live it.
If you have read any of my former blogs, the butterfly has been my symbol and reminder of healing. I am going to be ok. Last night, I had this vision of my body emerging from a cocoon. I wasn't quite there yet. But it's coming.
I am learning some new things that I look forward to sharing.
So here we are for Round 2 of this crazy, wacky journey! Thanks for coming along.
